I love this time of year. Not because of the blossoming blue bonnets or the serene South Texas weather. No, I love it because it’s playoff time, more specifically – NBA playoffs. I know the majority of America despises the NBA and its gangsta, free-styling flare, but I dare anyone to find as much passion, teamwork, and pride in any other professional sport.
In any honor of this momentous time of year, I decided to scour YouTube in search of the NBA’s musical talent. I quickly discovered that beyond David Robinson’s robotic saxophone/piano playing, Vin Baker’s semi-soulful voice, and Wayman Tisdale’s smooth bass lines, most of the NBA’s stars explore their musical interests in the world of hip-hop.
Despite his Weather Channel stylings, Wayman was the shit. Mad respect (1964 – 2009):
I decided to re-focus my blog, looking only at the rappers who have graced the professional basketball courts over the years. As I searched, listening to horrid rap after horrid rap about cross-over dribbles and jump shots, I realized rapping and basketball mix like oil and water (although some believe Rashad McCants is a true talent; I just don’t see it). Despite this lack of real MC skills in the NBA, I did find that some of the lyrics had me laughing and decided all was not lost. As a result, I give you, the top ten worst/best rap moments in NBA history.
10. Allen Iverson “A6” commercial
10. A.I. is single-handedly responsible for the downfall of the NBA. Before The Answer (ironic), the NBA was filled with family friendly All-Stars who presented themselves as athletes first (although Karl Malone had some strange truck-driving fetish). Look at the roster of the 1991 Dream Team and try finding an unlikeable guy (Christian Laettner doesn’t count). I know A.I. wasn’t the first tattooed bad-boy of the league, but it was his thug life mentality that changed the public’s perception of the Association. Before Iverson, athletes were able to hide their past behind a glossy, publicist-made image. But A.I. flaunted his jail time and troubled past unapologetically. With Allen’s perpetual chip on the shoulder, other incoming players clinged to the gangsta persona and soon the league was riddled with a sea of corn-rows and blood-shot eyes.
This commercial for shoes perfectly reflects the mind-set of the NBA during this tumultuous time. My favorite moment in the song is when Allen begins to rap, starting off with the line, “Trying to build a team, I’m the player you need.” Really?! The guy who is notorious for missing practice? The guy who, at various points in his career, has refused to play in games? The guy who demanded to be traded from every team he ever played for? The guy who said he’d rather retire than come off the bench? (You get my point…)
9. Rasheed Wallace “Untitled”
I love Rasheed Wallace, and I’m not sure why. Most of the players that I enjoy in the NBA are the straight and narrow guys who respect the game (Tim Duncan, Chauncey Billups, David Lee), but there is just something about Rasheed. I guess it comes down to his passion. With all his attitude and anger, he holds nothing back – verbally or physically. Even in this rap song, you can tell there is passion within his words. Sure, they aren’t the most poetic verses, but Rasheed is fully committed. The song may even be passable if it weren’t for the shoddy production value. The bass line sounds like the music from the Atari game “Pitfall”, and the vocals are muffled. This is the case with much of the NBA hip-hop I found. With all the money these dudes make, they can’t splurge on a producer? With some handy work in Pro-Tools, Rasheed could have a hit on his hands in the form of a song called “Both Teams Played Hard”.
8. Brian Shaw “Anything Can Happen”
This track put me in awe. Brian Shaw was never seen as a thug. In fact, if you were to choose a player off of the 1990s Lakers that would be most likely to become a rapper, the straight-laced Brian Shaw would come in last (yes, even behind Vlade). Instead of ruling the streets as he claims in the song, Shaw is now an assistant coach for the Lakers, always sporting a suit on the side-lines. A rapping coach? Yes, Brian, anything can happen. While most rappers talk of their mom being addicted to crack or their dad dying in a gun fight, Shaw opts to describe how his family died in a car crash. Now that’s gangsta.
7. Shaquille O’Neal “Tell Me How My Ass Tastes”
Shaq is the most successful recording artist in NBA history (notice I didn’t say “most successful rapper”). While most of his songs are harmless fun, I find the most joy in this clip that gained popularity a few summers ago. In it, Shaq disses Kobe a week after the Lakers got embarrassed by the Celtics in the finals. The famous line of the song is “Kobe, tell me how my ass tastes”. On face value, this sounds like a twist on “kiss my ass”, but there is so much more going on here. This is The Big Aristotle afterall. Let me break it down for you: Shaq either hooked up with Kobe’s wife or one of his mistresses (rape victims not included). This female, whoever she was, tossed Shaq’s salad at some point. As a result, when Kobe kissed her at a later date, he was in a sense, tasting Shaq’s ass…I didn’t say the outcome was pretty.
6. Tony Parker “Freestylin”
There are tons of videos online of Tony Parker’s rap offerings, but I had to choose this freestyle session during the 2005 Championship celebration due simply to nostalgia for happier times as a Spurs fan (I take joy in the fact that Steve Nash left the series this year looking like the Toxic Avenger). I was actually in attendance to see this performance live, but all my friend John and I could hear in the upper deck was “voo le voo le voo le voo le voo!” Watching the video now, I realize we heard his rhymes correctly. Rapping in french must be pretty easy considering every word seems to end in an “ooo” sound (I’m offending french-men everywhere). In this case, Tony Parker’s embarrassing performance is saved by Brent Barry’s dance moves…
5. Jason Kidd “What the Kidd Did”
“What the Kidd Did” starts with whispering vocals pleading, “They wanna know!” and I agree – we do want to know. To be more specific, we want to know what the hell Jason Kidd is. With skin the tone of silly putty and his hairless features (I swear he has alopecia) it is hard to decipher what J Kidd is. Black? White? Sea Monkey? If he does have some black in him, there must not be much of it in him due to his complete lack of rhythm and soul for that matter. It’s almost like he’s trying to prove he’s a homeboy, but with lines like “I’m like a high school tutor”, it’s hard to give Kidd the street cred he’s begging for.
4. Kobe Bryant and Tyra Banks “K.O.B.E.”
Who is more arrogant, self-serving, and unlikable than Kobe Bryant? You guessed it: Tyra Banks. This song is the ultimate match of egos, combining their overbearing, haughty grandeur to form the ultimate alliance of arrogance. I’m not sure who’s worse on this track. Kobe sounds like he has marbles in his mouth (or the taste of Shaq’s ass), yet Tyra’s sing/talk approach resembles a possum being eaten alive by maggots. The downfall of both these shit-bags is the fact that they will always be striving to be America’s sweethearts, but they will invariably be despised by the majority due to their pompous, presumptive, pretension (alliteration is in full effect).
3. Chris Mills “Sumptin’ to Groove To”
Never heard of Chris Mills? Well, based off his lyrics you should have. He boasts “I’m a big ball player, a nice rhyme sayer”, but in actuality he’s neither. He never had “a nice jay” and rarely did he “dismiss opponents”. He was a bench player, plain and simple. The fact that he wrote an entire song boasting his greatness is straight up laughable.
2. Ron Artest “I Cry For Mike”
Ron Artest rapping about Michael Jackson’s death? Wow. It doesn’t get much better than this. In this tribute, Artest connects with Michael on the fact that they’ve both dealt with controversy. Punching fans during a game seems a bit different from sexually assaulting kids, but then again, maybe I’m being picky. The fact that he refers to MJ as “my nigga” throughout the song is also questionable, considering the fact that the King of Pop was actually white when he died. Maybe “Michael your my whigga” would have been more fitting.
1. 1987 Lakers “Just Say No!”
When the Lakers were presented with the idea to perform “Just Say No!”, they should have done exactly that. There is not a moment of dignity in this classic that makes “The Super Bowl Shuffle” look respectable. The song gets better and better as it goes, even pulling in a choir of children near the end. When Magic jumps into the mix, I can’t help but think of all the unprotected sex he must have had the night before. This clip gained the number one spot due simply to one moment. Near the end of the song, as the record scratching goes wild, Kurt Rambis tosses a baby in the air. Now that is having something in common with Michael Jackson.