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Worst Album Covers of 2010

It’s that time again to review the highlights and lowlights of the year. What better way to kick things off than with our annual “Worst Album Covers List”.  I’m not sure if cover art has lost its importance due to the slow demise of physical media, but there was such an influx of horrific artwork and photography in 2010 that I was forced to double the list in size.  I hope you don’t mind…


20. Airbourne

 

“No Guts, No Glory”

 

This cover should probably be #1, but I've convinced myself that it's intentionally over-the-top bad...it's the only way to explain it.

19. Michael Jackson

 

“Michael”

 

I appreciate that they've tried to include references to all the different periods Michael's life, but I find the images to the left of a rotting Michael corpse to be tasteless.

18. J King and Maximus

 

“Los Superheroes”

 

So Maximus can shoot flames and J. King is...a plumber?

17. Blake Shelton

 

“Loaded: The Best of Blake

 

Shelton”

 

The photographer told him to look "loaded", unfortunately Blake went "full-retard".

16. Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti

 

“Round and Round”

 

Don't you just hate it when you get peanut butter stuck on the roof of your mouth?

15. Weezer

 

“Hurley”

 

I knew Hurley had bad luck, but the Smoke Monster has nothing on the wrath of Weezer.

14. Sheek Louch

 

“Donnie G: Don Gorilla”

 

This cover set back race relations 500 years.

13. Neil Diamond

“Dreams”

 

Based off this cover I've come to two beliefs: Neil Diamond uses Cialis, and the original title of the album was "Wet Dreams".

12. Mike Watt

“Hyphenated-Man”

 

You would think the most disturbing part of this cover would be the lizard-bird with He-Man legs cracking out of an egg-shell while standing on a plaque and being pierced by an arrow. But no. Once again, Comic Sans font wins.

11. Pastor Christy Davis

“Worship Him”

 

Tracy Morgan is also a cross-dressing pastor? Who knew!

10. Scissor Sisters

“Night Work”

9. Hunx and his Punx

“Gay Singles”

 

Battle of the gay album covers: Only one will come out on top...or bottom.

 

8. Ringo Starr

“Y Not”

 

The question should be: Y?

7. Rascal Flatts

“Nothing Like This”

 

"Behold, my glorious glowing penis!"

6. Jeff Beck

 

“Emotion & Commotion”

 

It's a little known fact that eagle nests are made primarily out of Fender Stratocasters.

5. Cocorosie

“Grey Oceans”

 

I've always had a crush on the girls from Cocorosie, and after seeing this cover, I've acquired a strange fetish for girls with cotton candy mustaches.

4. Rhymester

 

“Manifesto”

 

Ah! The age old act of rappers dressing like centaurs and holding up fencing swords in order to ignite lightning bolts! I remember when NWA did this same cover back in '87.

 

3. Z-Ro

 

“Heroin”

 

The needle says "No!" but the spoon says "Yes!"

2. Lordi

 

“Babez for Breakfast”

 

The commonly over-looked Garbage Pail Kid "Ari Ohla"

 

1. Brian Ray

 

“This Way Up”

 

I've heard of a "chick magnet", but not until this album cover did I know of the "douche magnet".

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Best Summer Albums of 2010 (20-11)

For me, music moves with the seasons. In the winter I tend to listen to more somber artists, the fall is the perfect time for folk and blues, while the spring is filled with the energetic life of punk and metal.  My favorite season of all though, musically, would have to be summer. There is just something fun about summer, something exciting.  Whether it be a cook-out, a trip to the beach, or a drive through the mountains, the time for high-spirits and goofy grins can be found in the summer time air.

As a result of both my love of summer music and the fact that I’m way behind on album reviews on some amazing offerings from 2010, I decided to create a list of the Top 20 Summer Albums of 2010. Don’t get confused; this isn’t the top 20 albums of the year thus far. You won’t find any Broken Social Scene, Liars, or Beach House despite their impressive output in 2010. For now, they will have to wait (more on them in December). This list is about albums that work perfectly as the back-drop to your summer excursions, to your daily commute, to your afternoon by the pool. Each album has that same positive energy or fiery attitude that will fill your summer days and nights with a fitting soundtrack.

20. Apples in Stereo
“Travelers in Space & Time”
[Yep Roc Records 2010]

I’m not sure I like the direction Robert Schneider is taking The Apples in Stereo.  They once were a gritty pop-punk group hailing from the Elephant Six Collective, but over the course of the past two albums the sound has drastically changed towards a crystal clear space odyssey.  Schneider’s obsession with the vocodor continues on “Travelers in Space & Time” and so doesn’t his fixation with space travel. Almost every song seems to discuss intergalactic travel.  Despite the slow demise of The Apples and Stereo, Schneider continues to write alluring pop tunes, blending the 70s and 80s into some type of futuristic dance hybrid.  Although this apple is bruised, it’s still dripping with a sweet sincerity that will keep the doctor away for at least the summer months.

I guess I’m not the only one who thought “Dream About the Future” sounded like something from “The Peanuts”:

19. Holy Fuck
“Latin”
[Young Turks]

As much as I adore the band name “Holy Fuck”, I have to admit that the moniker is more suited for a metal band. At no point while listening to Holy Fuck will you actually exclaim “Holy fuck!”  Instead, the band’s live-techno decoupage of melody and decisive drum tracks will fill you with a calming state of quietude. Somehow the funky vibe of their pulsing onslaught provides you with confidence, gives you cool, leaves you feeling like Vincent Vega, like nothing can stop you (unless of course you’re caught reading Modesty Blaise on the toilet).  Unlike other albums on this list, “Latin” isn’t meant for those summer days in the sun. Oh no. This album provides an atmosphere suited primarily for those primal nights out scavenging the sweltering streets and dirty nightclubs in search of that life, that energy, that fire that makes summer so electrifying.

This video for “Latin America” and its sunny swimming footage totally contradicts my belief this is an album for summer nights. So be it:

18. Kate Nash
“My Best Friend is You”
[Fiction]

This list may stray from most summer music countdowns. Instead of albums, the masses usually search out the summer-hit songs, which are invariably pop tunes.  If you are a person who scours the radio for the upbeat melodies of pop music but feel over-inundated by Lady GaGa and Justin Bieber, the British songstress Kate Nash may be just what you’re looking for.  While her songs are catchy and seem to be the cheerful tones of summer, Nash’s output on her 2010 album “My Best Friend is You” carries themes and storylines that require a little more maturity than “Poker Face” (we get it GaGa: poke her face, el oh el!). There is still summer fun present here with lyrics that say things like “barbeque is good” and “I love swimming”, but don’t be deceived. In “Mansion Song” the innocent chorus of “I don’t have to be your baby, I don’t have to be your baby, I don’t have to be your baby” is sang right alongside the rambling diatribe of “I can get fucked like the best of men; like the best of men, like the worst of pain, inflicted on another young girl again.” While the rest of America swoons over Bieber’s “Baby”, I’ll stick with Kate Nash’s caustic take on “baby”.

This video for “Do-Wah-Doo” is like “LOST” with bad teeth:

17. Vampire Weekend
“Contra”
[XL Recordings]

Personally, I will not be listening to “Contra” this summer. Not because it’s bad or doesn’t suit the spirit of summer – quite the contrary. My avoidance of Vampire Weekend in the coming months is a direct result of me listening to their 2010 release “Contra” non-stop for the entire month of February. Some would call it overkill; I would call it an addiction to joyous melodies.   I’m guessing you’ve also fallen into the same Vampire Weekend trap (if you are an avid reader, you would know that it was picked as a ‘Best New Album’ when it first came out), but if you haven’t had the fortune of listening to Vampire Weekend and their tender tropical songs about “drinking horchata” and getting  “away on a summer’s day”, then treat yourself to “Contra” (and a nice cool glass of horchata while you’re at it).

This video reminds me of “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure”. All that is missing is Abe Lincoln and, of course, the Wyld Stallions:

16. Hunx and his Punx
“Gay Singles”
[Matador]

Your eyes aren’t playing tricks on you. The cover of Hunx and his Punx’s first album “Gay Singles” is simply a picture of a guy’s crotch, his junk only hidden by a pair of zebra print underwear.  In this case, you can judge an album by its cover. “Gay Singles” is a collection of songs released over the past couple years that all happen to be gay love songs. I know the heterosexual in me is supposed to hate this album.  No testosterone driven male should enjoy gay love songs, right?  Well, I can’t deny it any longer. It’s time I come out of the musical closet and admit that I LOVE gay love songs, specifically Hunx and his Punx (although the Lemonhead’s “Big Gay Heart” may be my all-time favorite homo-love song). Despite the fact that the lyrics and effeminate vocals would make any right-wing conservative cringe, the songs, at their core, are as honest, pure, and comforting as anything by the Shangri-Las in the 60s.  And just like the Shangri-Las, Hunx happens to also enjoy kissing guys. Get over your homophobia already and get on the dance floor.

You may recognize the song “Gimmie Gimmie Your Love” from Lenscrafter comercials. I’m guessing Lenscrafter doesn’t want their customers seeing this video, specifically the 1:45 mark where food gets involved:

15. Gorillaz
“Plastic Beach”
[Parlophone/Virgin Records]

The summer of 1995 was one of my most memorable for several reasons. For one, I started my first job as a lifeguard and worked alongside my brother who would be heading off to Iowa State in the fall. Like any other summer, music played a big part in our daily routine.  Two albums stick out most when I think back: Warren G’s “G Funk Era” and Blur’s “The Great Escape”.  I loved Blur’s grandiose approach to Brit-pop with songs about the simple, everyday life of a “Charmless Man” or relaxing days in a “Country House”.  Warren G, on the other hand, told harsh tales of the American streets through a sparse, evocative landscape of pounding basslines and the occasional pleas of Nate Dogg.  The Gorillaz “Plastic Island” is a combination of these two great albums of 95’ with Blur front-man Damon Albarn at the helm, providing his own unique nuances to the world of hip-hop with guest rappers ranging from Snoop Dogg to Mos Def. Although the album title may suggest another collection of upbeat summer jams, “Plastic Beach” is anything but cheery.  Albarn’s backing tracks always seem on the edge of breaking into a celebratory tone, yet the bounding bassline reassures that this is a gangsta rap album for a new century.  Snoop Dogg hasn’t sounded this fresh in years, and without Danger Mouse meddling with his genius, Albarn brilliantly captures the ill-omened world of the plastic beach.  With the BP oil spill I can’t think of a more fitting album for the gulf coast in 2010.

This summer’s “Regulate” is “Stylo”:

14.  Dum Dum Girls
“I Will Be”
[Sub-Pop]

There will always be room in the summer music mix for a cheery grrrl band with adorable vocals and lovable retro-jangle-pop tunes.  In the 80s it was The Go-Gos and The Bangles, while the 90s produced Veruca Salt and The Breeders.  It has been a while since we’ve heard it, but it looks like The Dum Dum Girls have brought this delightful music style back. It seems basic by nature: harmonizing, innocent vocals over bright guitars, and choppy, simple drumbeats. It’s so simple; you’d think it would have become stale after all these years. But on “I Will Be” the Dum Dum Girl’s reverb soaked collection of two-minute songs is somehow a refreshing blend that will dry up any hint of sadness within.

13.Futureheads
“The Chaos”
[Nul/Dovecote]

The Futureheads have been hyped for years now as the next Franz Ferdinand, but it never really panned out for them.  Really, it’s a shame.  “The Chaos” is my first venture into the band’s music, and if it’s any sign of what has come before, the hype was warranted.  This album is a fusion of Devo and Gang of Four, pointed riffs and memorable chants of “Stop the noise!” and “This is the life!”  While the album sounds like it could have been a lost vinyl from the early 80s, it also sparkles with freshness that echoes toward the future.  Maybe they missed the boat when it comes to breaking through the mainstream, but with the type of fight evidenced in “The Chaos”, the tides may turn back in their direction.

Because the game show motif just hasn’t been done enough in music videos, here’s “The Heartbeat Song”:

12. Tony Allen

“Secret Agent”
[Nonesuch/World Circuit]

Remember the scene in “Sideways” where Miles and Jack are driving along the California coast, heading towards wine country while upbeat jazz plays in the background?  Now imagine the same scene, except this time Miles and Jack are driving along the African coast, heading towards South Africa’s wine country (yes it exists!) while the same jazz stylings are playing with the addition of an African choir, a hint of 70s funk, and bubbling drums that seem to be on the verge of spilling over at any moment. This, in a nutshell, is Tony Allen, the 70-year-old drum legend who helped create the influential Afrobeat sound of the 1970s . While most artists lose their passion with age, Tony Allen continues to produce music filled with soul and vigor as shown on his 2010 release “Secret Agent”.

This video reminds me of an African “Soul Train”:

11. Delorean
“Subiza”
[True Panther]

“Subiza” is a multi-faceted summer album because it can serve all your needs.  Its house dance beats seem perfect for a night on the town, yet the airy harmonies and bright vocals lend themselves to a hot afternoon with friends. I’m guessing the Spanish band Delorean’s chameleon-like approach to dance music may have something to do with that.  While other artists like Ruby Suns and Yeasayer have abandoned the ambient natural harmonies that once defined them, Delorean has found a way to move the dance-beat forward without completely abandoning that sun-drenched environment.  The result is much like the planet Pandora in “Avatar”: it looks like a vivid, natural world filled with life, yet there are brief moments where you realize it’s all manufactured.  Which, when you think about it, isn’t such a bad thing.

Watch this video for “Stay Close” and tell me I’m not spot on:

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